Monday, April 2, 2007

there was once common sense. now, there's just us.

gtalk failed us ,the other day.normally, we communicate in grunts and strange howls, coz gtalk lets us talk. but that day, we were required to type. and what started off as a routine, slam book thingie, led to some serious, summer slamming. read on,if you do not suffer from congenital high-standards.

aishu: neeku bollywood lo evaru ishtam ra?

me: amitabh bachchan

aishu: ohh don like him.

me: shit. nijangaa ra.loved him in nishabd

aishu: abba, e musalodaina bad lightin lo alaane untaadu ra.

me: ok, the trouble is he's makin ita li'l too obvious that he is actually amitabh and not the guy he is playing.

aishu: yeah, see, at least when shah rukh does that we don really mind watchin shah rukh instead of raj or rahul or whateva.

me : ok, he's playing a genie telusaa?

aishu : excellent. why can't he jus die?

me: coz there's just one place left in hell, and shah ruk's yet to die?

aishu: ohk. so who's askin him to go to hell, jus die.

me: don.shah ruk khan played bombed. shah ruk took over hit an all time low.
i rest my case.

aishu: swades and shehenshah and I rest mine.

me : shah ruk and duplicate. shah ruk and ram jaane

aishu: do you remember this movie called suryavamsam, the hindi version?
amitabh and bade miyan chote miyan

me: shah ruk and ddlj and kkhh and abcd and unicef and unesco

aishu: shit, amitabh and million other horrible movies.

me: shit, shah ruk and the absolute horror of his face

aishu:yeah. like amitabh is handsome.

me: abba, he was. silsila? abhimaan? sholay?

aishu: really make a list and you'd come up wid far more bad movies fror amitabh

aishu: amitabh and what he's leavin behind for Indian cinema, abhishek. that's enough ra to hate him foreva

me: he was the epitiome of 80's cool in sholay. ok, 70's.

aishu: ade ra. he was in a diff era so I dunno the names of all the movies but seriously shehenshah is enough.and have you seen him in abhimaan, he looks like a shaved chicken.

me: aishu, shah ruk chose a stupid rip off of a nameless hollywood thriller to be his launch pad

aishu : yeah, what was amitabh's debut ashu?

me: abhishek, star son advantage and all, chose a bearded,deglamorised, real toughie of a refugee

aishu: ohh yeah, that din get him anywhere really. tht wasn't his launch pad. the series of movies after?

me: well, yeah, the stupid indian audience din like it that he wasn't called raj or rahul or adi. or he din ware ill-fitting, nauseatin blue clothes just to look hip and yung and for gossakes archie fuckin gates. or that he din land in a chopper for karva chauth

aishu: bull shit. he was called raj and rahul in about 14 flicks after that.he's a disaster.

me : aishu, give up

aishu: okay, did he see kuch na kaho?

me: you are fightin a losin battle. you already lost

aishu: I am not. you sayin that doesn't make it one.

me: lady, here's my wreath.i buried shah ruk.he's gone

aishu: whateva. there's jus no way you can prove that amitabh is better.he's only been around longer.

me: ekalavya?

aishu: he's been around longer.

me: aishu, there's absolutely no sense in expectin shah ruk wud age as gracefully as amitabh ra

aishu: another 20 years and shahrukh'll play a friggin bodyguard too. and yeah he'd be sufficiently wrinkled to look deep.

me: he'd die a megalomaniac who once was a superstar

aishu: amitabh did not age gracefully.he was thrown out for makin movies like wait kohram?

ohh no. mrityudata?

me: he was tryin to send abhishek to a good school. and he did it for frends

aishu: ohh yeah, so did shahrukh.for his wife.ajooba? agneepath?

me: it'd do the world a world of good, if he only made peace with the fact that he is no amitabh

aishu: ohh lord, toofan?

me: he is not a speck on amitabh.amitabh has a madame tussad's all for himself

aishu: so does aishwarya rai, so that doesn't count.

aishu: he's not tryin to be amitabh. and if people stuck on amitabh can't get over it, it's not his problem.

me: amitabh was voted the greatest actor, period. in fuckin firengland

aishu : he's been around longer.

me: you have said it lost,twice.twice, aishu?shame shame

aishu: no, all the hype around amitabh is only coz he's been around longer.

me: hype?ok, the last movie of amitabh, she's seen?

me: khaakee ra? dev?

aishu: whoa long time gone le.

he's been around longer.

me: deewaar?

aishu: waqt?

me: so what?

aishu: family?

me: this was about who's a better actor? its not about who's been around longer
who's a better actor.

aishu: yeah, so go back to the 70s and compare those movies wid shahrukh's

me: forget winnin or losin this my-sided argument

aishu: shah rukh is.

me: she's losin it.

me : peter 'o toole got nominated and so did ryan gosling.

aishu: don jus say that coz you're scared you are.

me: toole's 83689 years old.

aishu: soah? but hon, this is India, and that's how it works here.

me: shit.

that was a cheap shot.

aishu: ashok. jus one last movie ra. Kyun, Ho Gaya Na.

me: that was a cheap shot.

aishu: and I don even need to talk to you anymore.

me: this is india ata. taht was seriously bad defense.

aishu: it is true, you know it.

me: what is true? that you are doing this, just coz you said shah ruk and regret it?

aishu: ohh ohh, did I mention Laal Baadshah? double role.

me: honey, duplicate?

aishu: I do not regret it. yeah, there, chellu ki chellu.

me: i mean, i really can understand it, if they got away with playin a double role, before they cracked the dna.but ,duplicate was recent. it was later than the mid 90's.

aishu: so?

me: you'd expect more common sense.

aishu: did you see waqt ashok?

aishu: a goddamned "I'm dyin of hair cancer now weep"flick.

me: did you see one two ka four aishu?

aishu : yes I did and I liked it. far better than babul.

me: yeah, i liked babul aithe.and baghban and waqt.i adored his haitstyle in shehen shah

aishu: you did? see, that's enough to conclude that you don qualify to comment.

me: shah ruk's not a better actor, just because you like him.

aishu: neither is amitabh coz you do.

me: amitabh's teh best.even if i don think he is.see the difference, you blinded by blind faith,woman?

aishu: you jus think that coz he;s been around longer.

me: shit.

aishu: I could say the same thing about shahrukh.

me: don say it so many times. you really think shah ruk's the best?

aishu: I can. that is the only reason people think amitabh is good.

me: i mean, really?

aishu: yes, I do.

me: yeah, its true.

aishu: what is? and why?

me: the ten biblical plagues nightmare is true. when things like this happen ra, it augurs bad things for those who live in tanzanian swamps. right now, as we speak, it started.

aishu: whateva.

me: the devil's time has arrived.we are all dying.

aishu: coz amitabh refuses to die.

me: just coz you refuse to admit.

aishu: just coz you refuse to admit it

me: ok, how long have we been doing this for, again?

aishu: I dunno.

me: love you


aishu: naah, I can go on foreva.

me: love you so much. mmuuaahhh

aishu: love you so much too.mmuuahh too

me: hello subbarao gaaru *she turns back*

aishu: I don't.

me: amitabh's the best.amitabh's the best.

aishu: he's fuckin not.

me: hee haa

i win.i win.

aishu: that was so dumb.not to mention male.

me: we'll take the fight to the next level,ok? lemme get my light sabre. you wait,right there. move, and my movement sensor, electro magnetic ray gun,would take you out like a chicken.

aishu : fuck you.

hopin she'd understand,knowin she would.

before i go on to prove that she is by far the best of everything that was ever thought to be relevant in evaluating the necessity of the female species to all human endeavor, let me get something very very clear. she is perfect. notwithstanding, the expression of interest in trying to be a better person and the urgent need for self-improvement to meet my exacting standards, crap she came up with in the piece below. she is perfect. if you had tons of the most bad ass gelatin wired around my head, handed over the trigger to a Russian with bad breath and gold teeth, and made him smile his best "i have a thing for blowing up brains" smile, and tried to make me say anything else, it'd just have to say this. she is perfect. and yeah, pray for a quick death. how do you tell the best from the usual good? how do you know you are dealing with divine intervention in the middle of a pretty fucked up mortal environment? my friend, this is not hyperbole. this is unusual phenomena we are dealing with here. forget aliens.forget spontaneous body combustion. forget youtube. this's been a recurrent irritant, really. i mean, all those who've no idea what we can do to each other, or why we have this serene, a million pleasure bubbles circulating up our nervous system, smile on our faces when we think of us, and all thats gone by and all that's up for grabs? she is perfect. fuel and foil. lemme paraphrase here. she thinks she is quite something? lemme give you an oxford press, a very short, brutally honest take on what she really is.

she is beautiful. no wait, am not fawning here. she is. beautiful like ambient rock. like random inspiration. ok, the first three words i ever said to her,ever?

"you are stunning".

ok, she claims i said shit too,somewhere in the middle of being taken aback by how pretty she was, when i first saw her. i protest. indignantly. must have been the heat. or maybe i was just plain incredulous. for,it was a close encounter with the angelkind.

she is smart. so smart, she scares me sometimes. and some other times, she plain shoots me down. for she lives by the belief that disagreement is the best form of argument. and that she was made to win.everything she ever chose to win. and the worst part? she actually manages to do it. and completely legitimately at that.yeah, she pulls some cheap shots sometimes, but if i choose to forgive that,consider me beaten and dead. she hates to lose and i love to let her win. has an incredible I.Q of 136. now, thats some 30 times mine. psst.she made it to the high IQ club, this obsessively selective band camp, that trips on einstein's voice on repeat. she lets you air your opinion as long as you are prepared to die a soldier's death. for when she picks up a fight, she packs some real juice into some of her iron-fisted punches.

uppercut.rabbit punch.killer jab. knockdown.

ok, the final feather in her overflowing. gaudy, bird-house of a cap? she made it to the university of minnesota, on a fellowship. before you pooh-pooh that, consider this. she is the only woman,and am sure the youngest, to be awarded the somerfeld fellowship for the year 2006-07. now hows that for the world's first sexy geek?

i am ready to put it down, the post below,where she whines about the uneasiness or somethin about being perfect, to lack of nutrition, depressing lighting, and her genetic identity. but she's gotta see, without me helpin her out, that i don't hate her for any of her shortcomings. that the reason, i snap at her, is because i am this maniacally hard taskmaster. i mean, i just can't seem to take the fact that, somebody so outrageously gifted, can sometimes be so inventively stupid. i want her to push her nose up, and crush regular,stupid humanity. only because, she can do it. for, being kind may help you win the nobel. but out in the streets, its make way or.blast away.

for all the talk of her being this super gifted ,wonderwoman. she is a real baby. quirky,sassy,hard to please. hates to cry, and manages to do just that, once a day. all it takes to make her twist her lip, pout and refuse to have dinner, is my stupid raised voice. hate myself like i just murdered johnny depp,these times. its strange. how much i love mothering her. how much i want her to mother me. when the conversation morphs into a nursery rhyme, when i babytalk like i was just let off my prep-school session. i have no idea how we manage so beautifully.from across all these miles. but i do want her to know. that it could as well be because. she is perfect.