Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The 1 am Question

It always begins after he leaves while I'm still not dozing off mid-sentence. I lie there, in absolute silence, lit by the glow from the screen, very incapable of falling asleep. Sometimes my thoughts freeze while I try to decide whether to rush forward or backward. To dream or to ruminate.

That smile I fell in love with teases me to recollect, fill out that face, paint out every detail, every pore, every smooth curve that, by now, I surely must know very intimately. But, the smile is all I remember. Years with him and all I know of my love is his smile. That's all it took, really, to begin with. That's all every day is about. Keeping that easy smile intact till the end of all this. At the end of all this will be a life that can not be described. Even if he tried.

Early morning drives, pass-me-the-sports-page, pasta fights, blatant consumerism, lazing around, sweet-nothings, ear lobes for lunch, indie-movie induced siestas, disastrous meals,you-have-a-pretty-nose-when-I'm-drunk, and then this very moment, lying in the dark, feeling the gentle wave of his breathing, thinking of his smile, while snug in his arms.

Why in the blinkin world did I choose this when I could be doing that?


all or nothing said...

I cannot comment about having to make a choice or not. But either way, it's the same pathetic feeling :(

Ziah said...

Awww! I guess its the distance that makes the heart grow fonder!! :) And perhaps, to view the situation optimistically, we go thru certain distances to know what our bonds mean to us.. and when we gap the bridges, we would hope never to take our love or our loved ones for granted..:) Hang on in there girl, there's always light in the end of the tunnel of hope:)

love and squalor said...

all or nothing, the catch is if I hadn't chosen to come here I'dve never known how it really is and certainly don't see myself writing posts about how much better sub-zero temperatures for 4 months are.

ziah, it's jus an irritatingly long tunnel we're talkin about here. but we'll take your word for it that this does end somewhere.