Thursday, November 8, 2007

do nightmares have a director's cut?

people unsound of the mind, and unhappy with the world have imaginary friends. they call them jack. or tyler. depending on whether you vote for the shining or the fight club. people high on newsroom conspiracies and invisible wmd's have imaginary fears. they call them muslims. or any of the equally islamic names of oil-rich countries. depending on whether you vote republican or democratic. those with vivid imagination, and lotsa spare time, have imaginary lives. they call them hell or heaven. depending on whether they vote for suicide or an eternal cycle of pause, play and repeat. i am one of them. i lead an imaginary life.

let me,or something like it,explain.

i live alone. but in the company of the girl of my dreams. i don't talk to people. but my jaws hurt reeling out my day to her. i don't eat much. but i light my rationed cigarette after every home cooked meal. i don't have a home. but i try painting every wall red and blue. i don't have kids. but i help them with their homework everyday. i know am losing it. but i have everything to the point of excess. i have the best imaginary life in the universe. every unimportant thing that happens, is an important plot point. every new indie rock song, a thankless addition to the original sound track of the life i don't have. singing in praise of the people we are both not. not yet.

forever suspended in anticipation. beauty delayed on arrival. and a future of unmitigated goodness, lost in transit.

freeze frames and picture books of anniversaries that never happened. conversations and minor conflicts that almost seem real. walking barefoot on sand and foam, hand in hand with thin air. lulled into sleep by the whispers of a cold wave. painting stick-people with my fingertips, on the small of her back. and the nape. both made out of regulated hallucinations. making shapes out of cotton candy clouds. and laughing back at the memory of her face. and her laughing back at the memory of mine. uncorking wine and tinkling tall glasses that are always empty, and never spill over. li'l triumphs over everydayness, gloriously memorable victories over the general dictatorship of boredom, sweeping acquisitions of lifestyle enhancements. all ignorant of their strange intangibility and obvious impossibility.

invitation to a display of blank painting frames. holiday cruises on ghost ships through dead fish. and weekends in the basement. with the music on mute.

i love all forms of my life. love the way it pans out of lush green grasslands to reveal one winged monsters. determined to take their loss of flight out on my wish to soar. i love my wished for life. with all its predictable drama. and the imaginary long faces and even longer freeways to reality and perspective. i love the girl of my dreams. i know she is real. i know she is out there. somehow dreaming up the same impossible dream. reaching out through the haze and hate, that goes around as respectable denizens of this dying planet, battling out her own army of scampering personal demons. scheming a way out to me at the other end of the labyrinth. in my fairy tale, she has to reach me while i am still standing. and for me to get back up on my feet, i'll have to hit ground soon.

and wake up.


Anonymous said...

Whats wrong with people,they never seem to have noticed ur blogs?i read them,never missed one,i wont!

Anonymous said...

I am the same anonymous one,here to explain myself regarding the comment i posted above.Actually i read all of your blogs till date but this is the first time i am leaving a comment.In the above comment i didnt mean that your blogs are never noticed but they are noticed a bit late.I jus loved the latest one.I am 5 years younger to u people so to be frank i never understand most of ur blogs when i read them once,but by reading them again and again till i feel i could get some meaning out of it and using a dictionary when ever required i understand them.All the blogs are like pristine pearls.I feel like a dipsomaniac when i find you people not updating your blogs,confused about what is the dire situation in Ashoks life.I literally have been following everything that is happening with both of u through your blogs right from the month of march but never tried to speak to u in person about a few things like,WHAT ARE YOU BOTH LIKE?Never understood anything about you people and the other reason being ashok hates stupid people,thought he might definitely find me stupid i never did.Annaya,after a couple of days i will have to open this page to get Myself updated about Your life,sounds wierd but this is my favourite past time.So if could find 1 single reply in a positive way for my comment i will be on cloud 9 power 9,nijanga,and one more request annaya,nannu gurthupattava?if YES ne reply na peru tho start cheyyava?And i have got a lot to talk to u so i will be the first one waiting for your next blog along with your comment.Hope i didnt take u people to the depth of boredom.YOUR ONE STAR COUPLE!!!BYE BYE.PEACE.

love and squalor said...

hey aditya!!

in spite of my general ill-disposition towards all things cute, i have to give it to you. that was the sweetest reply we cud have ever managed. thanks, anonymous. for your interest in our twisted, troubled and sometimes tiresome story. but hey, is this aditya? and about the lack of any considerable public reception, guess its got a lot to do with how truly anti-social we both are. we'd have to get off our asses and write more often. and scratch more backs!! i don't know if ours is a geninely unique proof of the proven perseverance of true love, but it sure has been pretty eventful. though we do loathe the fact that not many people appreciate the truth that we are pullin off somethin of a miracle here, we sure treasure the support of the few people like you. admiration does indeed feed vanity, but appreciation only helps trigger somethin better. and we'll keep trying. thanks again, mate. and if it really is aditya, here's both of us wishin you peace, success and a hero honda karizma!!

Ziah said...

Do I get a hyndai accent now? I read your blog, I like it.. and now, I decided to tag BOTH of you.. :) For details.. go see my blog!!:)